as I sit here getting ready to type this out I am listening to The Rolling Stones, “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” which was one of his favorite songs and will be played during the service. As I listen to the words I am linked to him again because I realize that I may have not always gotten what I needed from him but there are some things that I got that I needed.
who knew that 5 days ago I would receive a phone call that would rock my world for a bit and turn it upside down. Telling me that my father had passed….I will spare the details as they are sad and lonely and I wouldn’t really wish them on anyone. The phone call itself lasted less than 30 seconds and tears instantly followed, tears that I hadn’t had for him in many years….but he is my Dad and somehow I always held a sliver of hope for us. What I realized in those moments following was that the closure I thought I had was gone and the wound was ripped open again but in a very different way. The hours that passed felt like a blur of police officers, concerned neighbors, coroners, phone calls to loved ones far away. It didn’t seem real and yet it was happening right before my eyes.
having to explain myself to the officer that I didn’t know much about his current health both physical and mental was frustrating. He didn’t know the whole story and probably didn’t care but I somehow needed him to understand why I hadn’t been there for all these years. See to know the dynamic between us we would need several hours together. You can’t always get what you want but you try sometimes.
the days following would include planning for a service of a man who didn’t like to be in the limelight…how do you do that when that is basically is what a funeral is all about? So hard when there are no recent pictures and no final wishes but we muddled through and have put together what I think will be a nice remembrance. Today included sitting down with the lawyer and talking about his estate. Such an adult word “estate” and one that I didn’t think I would be worried about or in charge of for a very long time but here I am. To make matters even more interesting I seem to have inherited a house to which in some respect holds bad memories and in another I have no attachment at all….but a wonderful opportunity has been laid before me to own property in a town I love. You don’t always get what you want….but you get what you need.
Getting back to that want & need….I realized in that song that we don’t always get what we want but somehow we get what we need instead. I learned a lot from my Dad…through the good and bad. He taught me to stand up for myself, even if it was against him, to always be learning, my love of avocados and the art of steaming broccoli. That things can be done more than one way…oh maybe I taught him that one 😉
so tomorrow as I say goodbye and work through some more of the feelings I will remember those things, the happy times and even the challenging ones that made me a stronger person. I will also remember that life if short and in the blink of an eye that phone call can come about anyone so make things count.
Rest In Peace Dad, I hope that you are racing the car of your dreams wherever you are.
One of the great things about having less stress of a job is that I have more time on my hands when I’m not working. So I have started to catch up on my reading, both books and blogs. I just finished an awesome book by Allison Vesterfelt called Packing Light that hit right at home. It basically was about her journey and thoughts about living life with less. What was great about it though is that going into it I thought she was going to talk a lot about living life with less material things when in reality it was about much more than that.
She talked a lot about baggage….and boy do we all have baggage. Some more than others and some packed more intensely then others. It’s still there though and when we decide to live a life that is “lighter” we need to give away some of that baggage. I admit to still having baggage about my Dad and my ex-husband even years and several therapy sessions later. Why? Because I haven’t let them go. I haven’t decided to fully take that leap to leave it behind forever. To trust that I am done with those feelings and done with the hurt that they have caused. So when I have decided lately to get rid of some of the physical stuff in my life, I also need to remember to get rid of that other baggage. To let it go and let something else more positive take its place.
I highly suggest reading this book…it was a nice smooth read and I loved her writing style. Made me think a lot about the baggage to get rid of. In fact…I am starting to fill the bags now 🙂
For some reason my anxiety has been creeping back in here and there at work…..I attribute it to a few things I think. I have upped my intake of caffeine and it is a pretty high paced job. Also, with having no insurance I have had to work with my meds a little and they aren’t necessarily back on track yet. I have yet to have a moment where I have been unable to perform the job, I have pushed through the anxious moments even when all I want to do is hide in the back room sometimes.
Today was a pretty anxious day for me….it was very busy and we had an inspection from corporate. I was put in a pretty high paced position which I love the challenge of but today was getting the best of me. So on my first break I took some deep breaths said a few little mantra prayers I have and just tried to ease my mind. I also checked my hair and makeup and put on my lipstick. It is not often on these early morning shifts that I put on lipstick but what I have noticed is that when I have it on I feel more put together and confident. It might seem silly, but it is like my shield and I wear it proudly. So when I went back on the floor today there were still a few anxious moments but I felt more grounded….and certainly had to have looked better. I think we all need to remember about those little things that can make us feel better. Maybe it is lipstick, or a new headband or some cute earrings…..something to build the confidence and shove back the anxious thoughts.
There is usually one customer or drink when you start working at Starbucks that scares the crap out of you. Either they are just a crabby customer or an ultra complicated drink or even worse…both. Well since I have been back there have been a few here and there that I have had to master…people and drinks. There was always this one drink though of this guy that just scared the crap out of me. Don’t even know why because on the complication level it wasn’t that big of a deal and he is generally a nice guy but I always deferred to someone else to make the drink. Well this morning I had enough of that and decided to tackle it on my own. So there I went making the masterpiece and when he approached the bar to get it I told him to go easy on me since it was my first time making it. He just smiled and walked away….a couple of minutes later I looked up and he was giving me a thumbs up! It felt great and I will never forget how to make his drink now and I have gotten over that fear.
It makes me think even more of things that I may be scared of or “putting off” and how if I just muster a little bravery (word of the year!) and admit that the first time might be a little rocky that I will get past it. There’s a few things in my life right now that I think I have these feelings about and it made me really think today about those. How I just need to stop deferring to other people or excuses and make that drink! I also need to remember that there is always going to be another challenge that comes a long….someone else will come up with that complicated drink and be very particular about it. At work, I have to finally make that drink so why in life do we put things off so much? Dreams even that we have been holding deep down for years. Fear….fear of the complicated….the dirty…the messy….the confrontation….pick your excuse,it is there. I know it is for me almost all of the above.
I guess what this taught me today is that I need to treat some of these things like work…that I just need to DO them. No excuses. The customer on the other end needs their drink….and you know who that customer is in this case? ME!
a lot of people probably think I am crazy for quitting my job that I have been at for 12 years. That had a pretty stable future and where I made good money. Gee…when I put it that way maybe I am crazy….lol. I had to stop in today to pick something up and I didn’t even want to go inside the building. The feelings are still fresh and I wanted to avoid everyone like the plague. When I got there I had someone come out with what I was picking up. Even driving into the driveway I felt the old pressure and stress and I was reminded why I did what I did.
It makes me laugh at Starbucks when they ask me “what I want to do”. They being younger adults in their mid twenties that is a typical question. What I tell them is that I have already done the stressful career and I came back to Starbucks to slow down a bit and enjoy working. They usually look at me like I am crazy which doesn’t surprise me and they just kind of say “ok” and we move on. I read this great blog post the other day about what you do right now doesn’t necessarily have to define who you are. Yes, right now I am a Barista and I am perfectly ok with that….it doesn’t have to define me or I don’t have to be one for the rest of my life (unless I want to). I can use the lessons I have learned in my past career to make this experience great and teach others. Every little moment we have adds up and gives us knowledge we may have not had…crazy or not I think that is pretty cool.
some of you may have heard me talk about the “One Little Word” challenge that is put out by a blogger whom I have been following for years. It basically is choosing a word that you want to be the theme of your life for the upcoming year. I have gotten out of doing it for the last couple of years and this year seemed like the appropriate time to step back in and choose a word.
As I said back in my :2014: post this year so far has been about change but I don’t necessarily want that to be the theme. When I quit my job, I took a brave step into the unknown. It was my safety net, what I had known for 12 years and I made the change quickly. I want 2014 to be more about me being brave; in living with less, trying new things both in work and fun, and starting on a project that I have wanted to do for years and have never had the time or energy for. Being brave means stepping away from the safety nets that I have known for so long and living.
when I made the change at work I took a HUGE leap in terms of finances. Thankfully I had some help through the transition and now am starting to get back on my own feet. With this change though brought a reduction in pay that is about half of what I was used to. I had already made some decisions before I quit my job that would help me to manage that but the fact is I do still have general living expenses to keep up on. It has been an interesting change to totally take a step back from spending as you once did, which yes was above my means anyway, and learn to live with less. I’m not great at it yet and there are still some lessons to be learned but I know I will get there. I think it is actually an awesome lesson for me and probably for anyone to go through.
Here are some immediate changes that I made:
1) Cancelled all subscriptions and monthly fees that I really don’t need. This included Netflix, a job searching website that is just fine with the basic Free, and my WeightWatchers subscription because I can still follow this without having the website and app on my phone.
2) I had a monthly fee coming out for a service at the gym that I wasn’t using and was honestly just too lazy to write the letter to cancel. Well I got that taken care of finally and I will also be cancelling my general gym membership next month. I have learned enough about exercise that I have some tools at home I can use and when it gets warmer there is plenty to do outside!
3) Thankfully I didn’t have to give up my coffee obsession because we are blessed to pretty much get all the free coffee we want when we work. If I hadn’t of gotten a job there though I would’ve had to curtail this expense BIG TIME.
4) I try to make sure that I don’t make special trips places and waste gas. I run errands on my way home from work or in one day. I have been doing pretty well with conserving gas this way.
5) I have been buying my work clothes at Goodwill. Yes, there are decent things to find at Goodwill and when they just get dirty and smell like coffee anyway who wants to buy really expensive clothes? Not only that I have actually found some great things there!
So I will continue on in my quest to live with less…..to learn the lessons that God is teaching me and hope that I continue to make the right decisions.