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::empty::

 

I haven’t blogged in forever that much is clear. Lots and lots and lots has happened in this time frame. Tonight, I feel the need to get something out of my head though and this always seems to be the most therapeutic for me.

Most know that in February I had to have a hysterectomy. It was not a decision to be taken lightly but in the end it was the best decision I made since there was cancer found in the parts they removed.

Now generally a surgery like this comes later in a woman’s life and after they have had children. So at 38 and childless this was kind of a punch in the gut (no pun intended). Now that I have had time to physically heal from the surgery, I find myself starting to actually feel some emotional side effects lets call them. I feel challenged by society who think that because I don’t have children my life is easier. That I don’t have extra mouths to feed, bathe or clothe. Sometimes people jokingly mention it and other times not so much. While I understand that I don’t have those added responsibilities or worries, I also didn’t choose that path. My body did. So when the fact of no kids gets thrown in my face…it hurts me to my core. I get angry with my body…angry with myself for not keeping myself healthier…but most of all it makes me feel unworthy. What did I do to not be able to have this happen? I was the little girl who dreamed of having kids and was always the “mom” of the group. It’s changed how I look at my future…who I want or am able to date…and the answer I need to come up with “oh why don’t you have kids?”
It’s so hard to explain this feeling to people…and it makes me feel empty. So lately I have run from it….in my normal fashion I throw myself into working too much or I just retreat into my depression mode. It’s been a combination of both of those.
An interesting statement was made to me about all this….that maybe I needed to start working on forgiving my body. It’s a good point actually and reminds me of the need for self-love. I’ve done a lot of reading lately on self-love and the need to show yourself this at any point you are in. Whatever negative you may see in yourself is something to love. It is a part of you and doesn’t make you any less of a person. I’ll admit that the surgery kind of threw me off as a woman. The surgery itself just kind of makes you feel ugly and then afterwards you deal with the feeling of not being “whole”.
Here’s a question I am going to put out there though….why do we weigh so heavily on the worth of a woman if she does or doesn’t have kids? Think about it…..

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