as I sit here getting ready to type this out I am listening to The Rolling Stones, “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” which was one of his favorite songs and will be played during the service. As I listen to the words I am linked to him again because I realize that I may have not always gotten what I needed from him but there are some things that I got that I needed.
who knew that 5 days ago I would receive a phone call that would rock my world for a bit and turn it upside down. Telling me that my father had passed….I will spare the details as they are sad and lonely and I wouldn’t really wish them on anyone. The phone call itself lasted less than 30 seconds and tears instantly followed, tears that I hadn’t had for him in many years….but he is my Dad and somehow I always held a sliver of hope for us. What I realized in those moments following was that the closure I thought I had was gone and the wound was ripped open again but in a very different way. The hours that passed felt like a blur of police officers, concerned neighbors, coroners, phone calls to loved ones far away. It didn’t seem real and yet it was happening right before my eyes.
having to explain myself to the officer that I didn’t know much about his current health both physical and mental was frustrating. He didn’t know the whole story and probably didn’t care but I somehow needed him to understand why I hadn’t been there for all these years. See to know the dynamic between us we would need several hours together. You can’t always get what you want but you try sometimes.
the days following would include planning for a service of a man who didn’t like to be in the limelight…how do you do that when that is basically is what a funeral is all about? So hard when there are no recent pictures and no final wishes but we muddled through and have put together what I think will be a nice remembrance. Today included sitting down with the lawyer and talking about his estate. Such an adult word “estate” and one that I didn’t think I would be worried about or in charge of for a very long time but here I am. To make matters even more interesting I seem to have inherited a house to which in some respect holds bad memories and in another I have no attachment at all….but a wonderful opportunity has been laid before me to own property in a town I love. You don’t always get what you want….but you get what you need.
Getting back to that want & need….I realized in that song that we don’t always get what we want but somehow we get what we need instead. I learned a lot from my Dad…through the good and bad. He taught me to stand up for myself, even if it was against him, to always be learning, my love of avocados and the art of steaming broccoli. That things can be done more than one way…oh maybe I taught him that one 😉
so tomorrow as I say goodbye and work through some more of the feelings I will remember those things, the happy times and even the challenging ones that made me a stronger person. I will also remember that life if short and in the blink of an eye that phone call can come about anyone so make things count.
Rest In Peace Dad, I hope that you are racing the car of your dreams wherever you are.