yup been gone again….I don’t know what it is about the blogging for me. I think sometimes I am a little afraid to say what’s in my head…lol. So before I post this one I want to say that I wouldn’t change anything in my past. I believe that all of us have had things in our past that make us who we are today. With that being said though, sometimes those things in the past can leave some negative baggage that you have to deal with. Luckily, I am smart enough to know that I need someone like a therapist to guide me through that.
So in my session yesterday I was very frustrated by my lack of motivation, willpower, and laziness when it comes to changing my lifestyle in terms of eating and exercise. I think my last post even talked about how I was excited to try new things and renew. Well that lasted maybe two weeks and then I fell off the wagon…again. There is a lot of shame that I feel when that happens and especially when it continues to happen. So my question to her yesterday was this; how can I be so focused and follow through on somethings and on this part of my life just have such a block. I mean how is it that I can decide on a design and then sit through getting a painful tattoo? Sure it may not be exactly the same thing….but it something that I have done and followed through on 4 times.
As we were sitting and discussing some of my past successes and failures in this area of my life and she was talking about what she felt some of my stumbling blocks were, I got kind of this picture in my head of when I was a young girl. It was an afternoon after school and I was making myself a snack. While this sounds fairly normal for an after school activity, I was a latchkey kid growing up. So most of the time this chore was done by myself. Nothing wrong with that but I remembered eating more when I would get lonely or bored. I brought this up and she definitely saw a link between then and now. A lot of my eating right now, when its bad is because I am emotional or I feel like “I am owed this (enter bad food here)” I can also be feeling lonely or bored through, they talk about that a lot when trying to lose weight and change your habits. That you need to re-direct that focus. As I have grown up I am like the latchkey kid when I am alone I eat.
So what to do about this? My therapist suggested that I write a letter to my young self, the latchkey girl expressing my feelings. I really don’t have a letter’s worth of things to say. I would say to that girl: food is for nourishing our bodies, not the soul. To go do something else; read a book, color a picture, do my homework (i’m sure my teachers would’ve loved that). I’m not saying this would solve my issues today but maybe I would’ve taught myself some better habits. Now I have to start teaching myself those habits. That food is nourishment for our bodies not our souls.
I have some other suggestions to work on, I am going to start slow. Part of what I seem to do is start off in the extreme, there is no grey area. It is all or nothing which for some people might work but for me if there is the slightest change or failure then my mind switches and I give up. I have a lot more thoughts on this and will hopefully share more without scaring anyone off. 🙂