I had another post started but I felt led to go in another direction tonight. I didn’t sleep well last night….very restless. The kind of restless where my mind wasn’t settled and it was wandering in every which way. I have felt very “unsettled” these past few weeks…and most likely it is the post-holiday crash but I feel like I am going to be poked and prodded in several areas of my life this year.
This holiday season was much rougher than I anticipated. As I have mentioned before holidays in general have been rough for the past several years but add into that Mom’s retirement and I was a bit upside down there for a couple of weeks. I didn’t feel it coming either, it was just kind of all the sudden we were having her party and then I was taking her to the airport where she would be gone for over a month. Even a few days after that I was like oh I’m all good….and then Christmas hit and the finality of it all came crashing down. The days after Christmas I was a bit of a wreck and I was fighting sickness…which really was probably just my bodies reaction to all the stress. I went into hibernation mode for the 4 days leading up to New Years and let my body and mind heal. With that time though came a lot of thinking and with quiet comes revelations. Some good, some I really don’t want to admit but here I am…admitting them to whomever is reading!
I am struggling at work. Not so much because Mom is gone (although it is strange) but because I am being challenged and stretched in a new role that I don’t have all the answers to. For those that know me and my control-freak self, this scares the crap out of me. It plays right into my “I don’t want to fail” fears. It has made for some stressful and tense moments the last week or so between my bosses & I. I need to let that mentality go, they are willing to put the trust in me, so I need to put the trust in myself. I need to treat it like anything else I take on…one thing at a time and just attack….I just feel inadequate right now and that makes me feel restless!!
I am struggling with my spiritual life. You probably think, how could that be you are at church all the time! Sure, I am at church but that doesn’t mean I am doing a spiritual practice…yes I am serving…but there is more. I am not feeling wholly fed right now…and that is partly my fault for not putting a boundary on myself for over-serving or making sure that when I am there I am totally 100% plugged in to the service and not letting my mind wander to what is going on in the booth. Going to church though and listening to a message is not the only spiritual practice I am lax in though….I can’t remember the last time I have picked up my Bible. Once in a while I will open my app on my phone and read but it’s not the same. I need to carve out a specific time not just when I have a minute here or there.
I turn 35 year this year….just typing that out scares the crap out of me!! lol. That is quite a number and well I need something to happen this year. I am actually ok with being poked and prodded and being led in new directions. I might cry a little and maybe even drag my feet but I know that these things that are being revealed to me and that will continue to be revealed to me are ones that will help me to grow and change. And remember…I CHOOSE to listen to those things…and I CHOOSE to make the decisions that are best for me 🙂