this could potentially be a whiny post….it’s definitely something I have talked about before but sometimes the feelings are just so heavy I have to get them out. Here it is again Saturday night, for some reason these seem to be the toughest nights for me. Maybe because on Friday nights I am winding down from the week and really just want to go home and sleep. Saturdays I am more rested, have usually accomplished some tasks and have done church. Then it hits me like ton of bricks. Generally on the way home. Overwhelming loneliness. Yes of course I just had great conversation with people at church, have most likely been texting my BFF or Mom throughout the day….but it’s knowing that now I am going home to an empty house that kills me. Yes, sometimes I postpone by stopping for some food or a stroll through Target but I always know what I am doing.
I don’t have a very wide circle of friends and about 98% of them are married with families. It’s hard because you are on different paths in life. Sometimes it is hard not to feel shut out by them and it is by no means intentional on their part, it just is what it is. They have a family and when they have time together then that is who they should be spending it with. I totally get it. Unfortunately, when you are in that pit of icky feelings that doesn’t always make it better.
My therapist and I have been working on getting me to do things on my own. My first feat was going to a movie which turned out to be fine. So yes…I could go to a movie, or go hang out at Starbucks….but people it still means that I am at these places alone! I’m trying to be patient…trying to trust….learn more about me….but man sometimes the lonely train sucks!
whiny post over….