in general I would say that I have courage to do most things. I normally stand up for myself when I see a situation that calls for it, I fight for what I believe in and I support the underdogs. In fact, many would say that I was at my most courageous when I chose to get out of a toxic marriage. There are times though when I feel like I have none…courage that is. I feel like the cowardly lion. There are times when I think, “oh it’s just easier not to do or say something” because that would lead to confrontation. For some things that might be ok, because when you think about them later maybe it was best to just let the dust settle. In other instances though it is just being a coward….no other way to say it.
In this season of my life where I am still finding my footing as a single woman there are situations where I am that cowardly lion. I have talked before about how I just fear doing certain things by myself….like go to the movies or some type of social group where I may not know anyone. Those things scare the heck out of me. They are the fear of the unknown.
Interestingly enough when I went to get my first tattoo I didn’t have much fear…and I had no idea what to expect. I had chosen to get one to symbolize the hell I had gone through with my divorce. That I had been stronger than that fear and the unknown that it brought. Those were some pretty major unknowns….much more than going to the silly movies by myself.
The other say I went and got my fourth tattoo…..by myself. I was not scared…and I knew the outcome. The thing is though that most people wouldn’t even think of doing something like that and yet I kind of just walk in and take it. Heck…a grown man next to me decided he needed alcohol to do it and in the process of his tattoo passed out and got sick. So why oh why can’t I seem to muster up the courage to do some of these somewhat basic things. My therapist asked me the same question today…in fact she was actually kind of yelling it at me (in a loving way of course). It does seem quite ridiculous. I am still thinking and processing about this…so this post probably seems jumbled. Sometimes though that is what comes out of my brain.
I know some of you are like…oh what was the tattoo?? So here you go….each flower or symbol are from woman in my life that have inspired me to be the woman that I am. The dove is for my Mom who has taught me to be peaceful and calm (yes that actually does happen) the rose is for my Grandma because I spent summers with her tending to her rose bushes and saw the beauty through her eyes. The star is for my Godmother who has always been there to cheer me on and encouraged me whenever I have tried something new. The Calla Lilly is for my moms best friend Sherry who has been another mother to me, she taught me about beauty and grace. There is a space to add on for my BFF Kristen….but I wanted to wait for when we could go together 🙂