you know that Garth Brooks song that goes something like “I’m much too young to feel this damn old”? And yes…I have a bit of country in me please don’t mock. Anyway….lately that line keeps coming into my brain. Most likely because with this last week of moving my body has been screaming at me. Every muscle has been hurting, my back and hips have been in spasms…it hasn’t been good. Here’s the thing though…I really am too young to be feeling this way. I honestly can’t remember a morning in the last year or so maybe where I haven’t woken up in some kind of pain. Where it would be something muscular or a screaming headache. It is getting tiring.
I often wondered as I watched an alcoholic get worse and worse when he would decide he had hit bottom. I would think to myself, oh this has to be the time, he is there but then I would be proven wrong by further spinning out of control. That is how I feel about my weight and health right now. When I see those weight loss commercials on TV I often think “what was their bottom?” You would think that by being told that my liver is out of wack, borderline diabetes and constant headaches that I would be at my bottom. In my head I have all these wonderful excuses and thoughts of “oh it’s not that bad” The other day I was at my chiropractors office waiting to go into my massage and outside the room was a scale. I don’t know what got into me but I took off my shoes and hopped on. It was the scariest number I have ever seen in my life. The highest I have ever been. Something has to give…and it needs to give soon.
I have mentioned before that part of my “block” has been that the weight somehow protects me. Protects my vulnerable feelings the ones that I have spent years hiding behind. I saw a quote the other day that said “The hardest thing to face is yourself” Isn’t that the truth! You really are your own worst enemy. You can talk yourself out of anything. Put yourself down with one look.
I think it has to be time….even if my mind is telling me one thing, my heart is telling me it is. I need to step up and face myself and these fears. I want to wake up one morning and feel no pain.