oh this time of year does wonders to me….and not really in a good way. This could be a really long winded sappy post, so feel free to either get the kleenex out or just move to the next thing to read I won’t take offense.
Since I was little the holidays have always been…well..tough. I have talked about that before so I won’t totally get into the details. When I grew up into “adulthood” I was so excited that I could start making some of my own holiday memories that might overshadow the bad. It happened too…for about 7 years I had some nice family holidays….of course with the usual holiday drama…but for the most part I enjoyed them. Until 3 years ago….well to be honest 4 years ago. It was 4 years ago during the holiday season that I knew something wasn’t right in my marriage and that is when everything started rolling downhill. The next Christmas I found myself in the middle of a divorce, alone and trying to keep it together.
It has been almost 4 years since that holiday season and I kind of feel like I am pretty much doing the same thing. Although, lately I don’t know how well I am keeping it together. The feelings are raw this year….I am tired….tired of being alone. Oh and I know what you are going to say…you aren’t alone, yada yada yada….yes I know but its not the same! There is something about having someone special in your life for the holiday season….it seems to make it more magical. I’m not trying to “romanticize” the holiday because that is not even really what this holiday is all about but the holidays are about being with the people you love. I am missing that one person to love…and sometimes it just hurts so much.
I am not good at being patient and I am trying so hard. I am trying to eliminate people or things from my life that are negative so that I can attract the good. It is a battle….a battle that I feel like I am losing and the more time goes by I just cry out to God and wonder why? The Christian single woman inside of me says….He will bring him when it is time…when you are ready, He is working on finding the perfect one for you….but the single person who is lonely and full of heartache tonight just wants it to happen sooner rather than later.