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:growing up:

 

growing up….probably not a topic that you would normally think of a 33 year old woman to write about…but here goes.

these last couple of years “in my thirties” have been strange. My world was pretty much turned upside down when I turned 30 and the years since then I have been getting my feet back on the ground. So it might not actually be weird for me to say that I don’t know that I feel “grown-up” yet…I mean yeah I have played “house” the real kind even…with a mortgage and utility bills, been the dutiful wife and brought home paychecks. So why has it felt that in some respects of my life I still am not making “adult” decisions?? For those that know me, I am responsible….I go to work and manage a team, I volunteer, pay my bills, I handle things well in a crisis…all things an adult should do right?

So in therapy last week she brought up the thought of making more adult decisions, making commitments. Part of that stemmed from the fact that it took me about 6 weeks to pick out a paint color for my bedroom. Call it what you will…laziness, unwilling to commit, fear…. Yes I realize this sounds silly, it is just paint for pete’s sake but what can I say? It had me stumped.
See I have talked before about how I feel like we all have these timelines. Even as little girls we start dreaming about our weddings, babies, etc. We might even put certain ages on them, by 32 I will have 2 kids, etc. So when my timeline got turned upside down…I kind of started going in reverse. I am fearful that because I am starting over on my timeline, and several years “late” that maybe I won’t get everything on there. So in some aspects I have reversed as well…trying to kind of keep myself younger so that I can keep my timeline on track. Several issues with that…time doesn’t stop so my age doesn’t either, being adult means moving forward and facing those fears. And yeah….that may mean somethings on the timeline may happen later or not even at all…and that is something that I just need to be ok with.

Whoever thought at 33 that I would be saying that I need to grow up?

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