nope not talking about parking here peeps….validation…know what it means?
val·i·date (vl-dt)tr.v. val·i·dat·ed, val·i·dat·ing, val·i·dates
1. To declare or make legally valid.
2. To mark with an indication of official sanction.
3. To establish the soundness of; corroborate.
basically….to confirm something….or in terms of emotions…make you feel good. We start to seek validation at a very young age…as children we are constantly looking for those around us, especially adults, to tell us we are doing a good job, I love you, etc. As we get older, this becomes an even more important aspect of life. However….what can be bad is when you seek validation from the wrong people. People that instead of validating your feelings will actually bring you down.
I got an email today that was shocking….in fact I literally had my mouth gaped open at my screen for a good two minutes. So who was this from? Well it was from a male that I had somewhat dated/been friends with about 2 years ago or so. This was the period of time where I was kind of on a “dating binge” and I was dating anyone for any reason for any thing. Yeah…so already the motives are a great big fail! Anyway….this person was really someone I should’ve stayed hundreds of miles from…but for some reason I was drawn in. At the time he was feeding something…when really he wasn’t doing anything except tearing me down. Needless to say I figured out quick this time he was not for me and moved on. So fast forward to today…he had been a business acquaintance of sorts back then and so somehow we got hooked-up on Linked In this week. I thought oh hey why not just send him a Hello email…it’s been a couple of years why not? Nothing went through my head romatically…in fact I had noticed on his Linked In profile he was out of work and was wondering what he was looking for.
STOP…sidenote here on an after thought of all this….you know when you actually have a chance to think about what happened or have a good conversation with your best friend (both of which I did). I should have NEVER reached out. Yes, in my mind my motives were pure, there was really nothing behind it….BUT down deep I can probably admit that I was looking for some validation. Would he say Hi back? Would he be interested in what is going on in my life? Would he care?
So back to the email….the response I got back was two lines long and a question. A question that had my mouth dropped and that I SHOULD HAVE NEVER ANSWERED…oh but see he drew me right back in to his antagonistic crap and I just had to respond. This lead to an even more mouth dropping response…which drew from me anger and sadness….AND the thought of “Why the heck did I even email this creep” Because that’s my issue….validation….as a child I never got validation from my Dad, in fact he probably was more like this creep in the email than I care to admit. So now part of my “baggage” is that I crave that validation from men…even if I have to part of a negative relationship, conversation ,etc. I hope that “someday” I will do or say something right that will make him be nice to me. That’s rough peeps….it is even so much harder for us girls. As females we are somehow wired that we need validation….from other women, society, males, family…you name it. We feed off it….and most validation is good. Think about the times someone has said something really nice about you….an email from a customer who praised you, an award for being a great volunteer…whatever it is.
So now what?? Well…during that phone call with my best friend she asked me point blank “why did you even reach out” and I point blank without hesitation answered “because that is my sickness”. She was proud because instead of making excuses of the whole “oh well it was just a hello, who cares?” I took ownership of needing that validation…even though it wasn’t positive. That my friends is the first step in any healing…admitting. Once you are aware and you speak it out loud…it becomes more real. Try it…even by yourself…say something out loud that you have been thinking and fighting with…doesn’t it feel more real? Best part of that is a good portion of the time when you get it out into open air, it feels so much better. Like a balloon popping. A release. Once it is out there in the atmosphere it seems to be easier to deal with.
My take away? I will never email old boyfriends/friends etc. that I know I shouldn’t….they don’t deserve it. They are in my past for a reason and they will stay that way 🙂