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:desperation:

 

honestly I really can’t believe that I am going to talk about some of these things…but hey it’s on my mind and I am pretty sure I’m not the first single girl to go through this.

one thing that has been coming up in talks is that I am constantly seeking…what I mean by this is that I constantly have my radar (or antenna as my therapist called it) for the guy. Pretty much everywhere I go if I see someone of interest, I think hmmm wonder what his story is??? I am embarrassed to even talk about places where I have seen men and had that thought. Now you might say Tracy this doesn’t sound like an issue to me and while it doesn’t immediately seem like an issue if you think about it, you will see. In my brain right now I am wanting the companionship, love and even approval from a man. All well and good except for one thing….I don’t have those things with my own self…well the love and approval part at least….so how do I expect to attract someone who wants to give me the same? It doesn’t work my friends…believe me if this 3 or so years of dating has taught me…it will attract all the wrong ones.
It was hard to admit to myself that by having this antenna up all the time and continually seeking that I was missing things and not paying attention to loving myself first. It all goes back to that self-worth thing I am struggling with…that I am good enough to be loved by others….BUT first to love myself. We are worthy my friends….I am worthy….so I need to put down the antenna for a while and work on that.
It has been hard for me to accept that I probably am putting off an air of desperation…I never have wanted to be one of “those girls”…but when I sit down and really think about it…being single and not having someone is always on my mind. I get mad and lonely and think “why me” I get jealous of those that I see out in the world that have each other. So once again another “tape” or thought process that I need to shut off….man if I can just turn all this crap off maybe I could actually sleep at night?

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