haven’t you ever wanted to say that? well I have…so now that I have that out of the way….
a warning readers: it has been too long since I have posted, I have been working in therapy like a mad woman, I have a lot to say…that is raw and real….so sit back…I will probably need a couple of posts to get this all out.
so yes I haven’t posted in a while…I can give you every excuse in the book…point is I’m back…and I am pretty sure this time it will be for awhile.
where have I been? I think the real question is….where I have been hiding? It seems that I am really good at throwing myself into things when I don’t want to address other things. Anyone else like this? Raise your hand…I know there are more of you out there. So I have been hiding mostly at work…long hours to the point where all I wanted to do was come home and go to bed…wake up the next day and repeat. Add in some church responsibilities and family & friend time and there you have it….Tracy gone hiding. Oh sure…I was there in body…in mind (for the most part)…but was my spirit there? Not really…I was (and still kind of am) riding a roller coaster and trying to shove the feelings down deep….moving from one thing to the next. Going through the motions so to speak. I think we all get caught up in this now and again…but what was new this time was that I had trouble figuring out how to get off the ride…and why would I want to? It was comfortable….it allowed me to still kinda be me but not too much…because that might open up to many scary things.
I had a therapy appointment a few weeks ago that ripped it right open…the band-aid that had been holding it all together. Little sidebar here….I will openly talk about my therapy because I think it is healthy. People who think therapy is for the weak….well they are weaker than us all. Anyway…back to that day…It really wasn’t this whole big “a-ha” moment that day. It was overall a pretty normal session, yes we were getting into some deep painful things but I wasn’t really feeling. Fast forward two days….monday at work. Mondays at my job are pretty much just hellish…we have meetings in the morning and it seems like everything that can go wrong, goes wrong on a Monday. I woke up that morning feeling raw…..my head was foggy…but yet clear of things that her and I had talked about. When I got to work the feelings were starting to bubble….my head was on everything but things work related. I sat in my office in a daze….feeling almost numb. I was questioning everything that I was doing….work, church, my exercise routine, everything. What I started to realize was that I was one that roller coaster ride and I wanted off right now!!! I did two things….I cried (pretty much my usual reaction) and I emailed my therapist and said I couldn’t wait two weeks I needed another session this week. The band aid had been ripped off….the abruptness of it wasn’t on purpose but just how my emotions decided to react.
Needless to say the band aid is off, the wound is still fresh but I am still going and working on this…I am not letting go of these feelings…they are hard…in fact they pretty much suck but I am done shoving them down.
I have always believed in words to be magical….they can hurt, heal, bring joy, sadness….they are powerful. I can’t say enough of how true I find that to be with music. I have been reminded lately of a song….check out the lyrics…
Motions by Matthew West
This might hurt
It’s not safe
But I know that I’ve gotta make a change
I don’t care
If I break
At least I’ll be feeling something
‘Cause just ok
Is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life
I don’t wanna go through the motions
I don’t wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything?
Instead of going through the motions
Not this time
I’m gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love
Make me whole
I think I’m finally feeling something
Take me all the way
Take me all the way
Take me all the way