remember the Brady Bunch episode…Marsha, Marsha, Marsha…..well this is the Tracy episode called Me, Me, Me…
Since I can remember I have always wanted to take care of people. I loved playing house and making sure that everyone had what they needed. I think my Mom probably can attest to this as well. This never really changed as I got older. I was always the one in the group that made sure everyone was doing ok, the wife who constantly put his needs in front of mine, the one at work who cleans the kitchen. See a pattern here? When did I take care of myself?
Well….if my overweight body and constant headaches have any indication, I would say not very often. The first time that I really every stepped out and made a huge step toward taking care of myself was making the decision to get divorced. Yes, this is a pretty huge one…and one not taken lightly at all…and one that probably needed to happen sooner than it did…but at least it did happen. This was a big step towards emotionally taking care of myself….problem is once I made that decision I kind of started on a cycle of self-destruction. Luckily for me, not in a way that was overly harming like drugs or alcohol…..but still not how someone should do things to be emotionally (and physically) healthy.
Fast forward a couple of years to now where I am at my heaviest, deal with constant headaches and basically look in the mirror and see a person I don’t want to be. As I talked about in my last post…I am coasting from one thing to the next trying to find something that will make me feel whole. Because that is the point…I don’t see my worth right now…I don’t feel whole. I don’t feel worthy. Now before you all go get in my face about…oh you do this, you are awesome…don’t feel that way….you have to understand that these feelings go wayyyy back to when I was a kid and stems to some feelings from a close family member. Unfortunately, they have followed me in some form or fashion my whole life and when you go through some pretty major things as I have (divorce) they tend to really come back to haunt you. Our lives are a continual spider web….feelings, people, even places link to each other. In my therapy workings lately I have realized that my feelings that go back to my dad have come out in my ex-husband, my brother and even a boss. Those feelings are deep in me and I need to work to get them out and then work on releasing them.
So….how does one do this? Enter the episode…me me me. In my taking care of others and not putting myself first I have done an injustice. Mind you this doesn’t mean go out and be all self involved and not care about others, or have an ego so big I can’t get through the door. It means taking some time to take a step back and start putting me first. My therapist put a good term on it “clearing my space” Not as much physically but clearing my life a bit….”reorganizing” the priorities…those things or activities that are important to ME. Weird as it seems, this is a tough concept for me to swallow. Not that I don’t like doing things for myself….but it just seems strange to actually seek them out, to literally make a list of things that I would like to do for myself.
Stay tuned for more episodes of “All About Tracy”….I promise though…no bell bottoms or hideous plaid outfits.