We had an awesome speaker last weekend at The Orchard, his name is Jamey Johnson. He really exudes a positive vibe all around him and you just want to smile and hug. It wasn’t always that way for him, he like all of us has faced pain and dealt with it in ways that we all do….by pushing it deeper.
It hit home for me….because I feel like I am guilty of this in my own life. Certain things that I am not proud of or want to think about I bury deep inside. And then when they do come out…they come out with a vengeance. I also know though, that they present themselves in other ways…in my case my weight, anxiety or emotional eating. His own therapist said this “The biggest battles are the ones inside ourselves”…couldn’t be more true.
I think when you come through a tragedy or pain you might think you have “conquered” it…you are past it…done..feeling good. Which might be true..for a little while. I would say this is true for me. Three years ago now my divorce was final, the year leading up to it was basically hell. I fought, cried, and had more anger then I ever thought existed inside of me. When it was finally complete, papers signed and the finality set it…I thought ok I’m good. Of course I was still angry and sad but I really just wanted to move on from those feelings. I had spent so much time feeling those in the last year I was done….I wanted to feel anything but pain and sadness. So I buried it…deep down.
Since then it has come up now and then and I allow myself to feel it for maybe an hour or so and then stuff it back down. Mind you, the feelings I have are not related to not having that specific person, it was not having the relationship, the companionship, the love. So as I have mentioned in other posts, I turned to some behaviors and serial dating that got me nowhere. Since the spring I have been so busy with work and church that I really haven’t had time to really date, but the thoughts are still there.
A couple of weeks ago I was doing some Facebook snooping….yeah I know not cool but you must admit you do it yourself. Well, through a friend of a friend I realize that my ex-husband is getting re-married….and they are pregnant. (insert gasp here) Yeah…the breath was gone from my chest. I think for about 5 minutes I was a little breathless and my mouth dropped. Again….not because of wanting to be with him but because I wanted that life. Marriage and babies. I was supposed to have that first. I realized right then that I had hit my wall….the pain and sadness was back with a vengeance.
I had stopped my therapy shortly after the divorce, like I said I was tired of feeling and talking about the sadness and the pain. Well I knew that I needed to go back. So shortly after I find out the information about my ex, I made a few calls and have had an initial session with a therapist. This wall has been here for many years…even before my divorce and I need it to go away. Or as our speaker Jamey said, I need to learn how to live life with the wall…..not stuffing it down deep.