::timetables::

Since going to the midnight shift my schedule for a lot of things is just messed up. There is really no better way to put that. Someone was asking me how I made the transition from my last shift to midnight’s, as she is about to do the same. I told her you will have to find your own flow….but be prepared to figure out when to sleep, when to eat, and generally just when to have a life. There will be days where I literally don’t know what day it is for the simple fact of our rotating days off. This schedule is not for everyone and sometimes you just have to roll with it.
With all that being said, yesterday I was trying to stay on a good sleep schedule but my body had some other ideas. So I had woken up about 1:30 and was up for a bit just doing some chores and having some lunch. I laid back down and woke up around 4:30 with major anxiety. I laid there trying to figure out why I was waking up with it because that really isn’t normal. I still have yet to figure it out and I’ve learned that I won’t always know that answer. Anxiety and panic is never on my time table because if it was I would never have it!
It made me think about our society and how we are all on schedules. From work to school to kids activities to social lives, everything has a time and place. Schedules get so crazy that some people have multiple calendars!! We tend to crave that as humans…to know when something is going to happen. To be able to plan days in advance for it. I mean think of the logistical nightmare just with travel that would happen without schedules.
So what happens when something comes a long that we aren’t expecting? Like my anxiety or a sickness or even a death? I will tell you what happens….we freak out. We go into panic mode because this wasn’t plotted on our neat little calendars. Sometimes we even shutdown because we literally can’t handle whatever is happening to us. Touching back on my post from yesterday it has been 16 years since my marriage and about 9 since my divorce. Back then if you would’ve told me that this was the path that I was going to be on, I would’ve said no way! Almost 40…still single, no kids and now not able to have them, and changing careers? I mean it kind of almost makes me want to go run and hide just typing out that last sentence. What happened to the fairytale timetable that existed in my head when I was a teenager? Happy marriage, 2.5 kids, house with the picket fence and some dogs in the back. That picture is gone….nowhere to be found. I have had to re-write my own life schedule and some days I am still figuring it out. What I’ve come to learn though is that there are some things I just can’t control. I can’t control that I turn a year older every year or that my body decided it just wasn’t meant to carry a baby. I can only control what choices are put in front of me everyday and what I do with them. So we have to accept that the timetables in our minds don’t always match reality. This doesn’t mean we have to panic and shutdown it just means we are going to be led down a different path. And who knows….that path could lead us to the most amazing circumstances.

in the end, she became more than she expected.
she became the journey, and like all journeys,
she did not end, she simply changed directions
and kept going
r.m. drake 

 

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::good in goodbye::

ok…so let’s jump right in…

I am a little late in terms of timing for this but last week was 9/11…when we see that date now we can’t help but remember that terrible day in 2001. Last week many people were remembering and thinking about where they were on that day. Ironically enough on that day my ex and I were driving down to Key West for our honeymoon as we had been married two days before on the 9th. It’s hard for me to believe that it has been 16 years since that day! Both for the tragedy of 9/11 and also my marriage. Which means I have been divorced now for about 9 years. WOW. I kind of let those numbers sink in the other day while driving which is when I do most of my deep thinking.
It gets me thinking about change and the process for that. Change happens every day of our lives. In our own personal worlds and beyond. Small changes and big changes. When an event as big as a divorce or a death or a career change happens what it ultimately means is that you are saying goodbye to something. When it comes to death and tragedies like 9/11 or Harvey, it is heartbreaking and brings sadness. Changes like a divorce, ending any kind of relationship or new career may be necessary to improve you own well being. Doesn’t make it any easier and no matter how you look at you are saying goodbye to something or someone.
I look back over just the 9 years since my divorce and I am amazed at all the changes that have taken place in my life. There are times when these changes are unexpected and make you feel like you are in your own hurricane. Like you will never find your footing again. From my own experience I have realized that there was some good in those goodbyes. Naturally, this is usually long after whatever has taken place. When there is space between yourself and the situation you have time to process it. Time to look back and see where mistakes were made and learn from them. This is not always an easy process….it can be messy and take some time. There is going to be hurt and anger and grief from that goodbye. There may be times, and I have experienced this, where present situations trigger past feelings and set you back.
Change in whatever capacity is never easy. There is just no other way to move forward in our lives. It is a necessary evil. Emotions it brings can be a roller coaster for awhile. Looking back, as painful as some of those changes and goodbyes were….I would not change them one bit. They have brought me to a better place in my life and a better relationship with my own self.

“Sometimes good things fall apart, so better things can fall together”
                                                                      ~Marilynn Monroe

::sneaking back in::

I had promised myself at the beginning of the year to start writing more….well here we are almost three-quarters of the way in and I haven’t done anything. I mean with the writing….I have been working my  butt ofF and buying a house and moving. So some things have been done 🙂

Writing has been on my heart big time in the last month or so. I am feeling a lot of growth and just trying to change mindset with certain things. Which of course leads to lots of thoughts swirling around in the head. So…here we go…back to this blogging thing.

I have things that I want to accomplish with my writing and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to start fresh with a new blog or what. What I felt though was that everyone starts somewhere. The blogs from the past have gotten me to where I am today. So I will start back here and see where it leads. I honestly have some big little dreams in my head so we’ll see where it goes!

::empty::

 

I haven’t blogged in forever that much is clear. Lots and lots and lots has happened in this time frame. Tonight, I feel the need to get something out of my head though and this always seems to be the most therapeutic for me.

Most know that in February I had to have a hysterectomy. It was not a decision to be taken lightly but in the end it was the best decision I made since there was cancer found in the parts they removed.

Now generally a surgery like this comes later in a woman’s life and after they have had children. So at 38 and childless this was kind of a punch in the gut (no pun intended). Now that I have had time to physically heal from the surgery, I find myself starting to actually feel some emotional side effects lets call them. I feel challenged by society who think that because I don’t have children my life is easier. That I don’t have extra mouths to feed, bathe or clothe. Sometimes people jokingly mention it and other times not so much. While I understand that I don’t have those added responsibilities or worries, I also didn’t choose that path. My body did. So when the fact of no kids gets thrown in my face…it hurts me to my core. I get angry with my body…angry with myself for not keeping myself healthier…but most of all it makes me feel unworthy. What did I do to not be able to have this happen? I was the little girl who dreamed of having kids and was always the “mom” of the group. It’s changed how I look at my future…who I want or am able to date…and the answer I need to come up with “oh why don’t you have kids?”
It’s so hard to explain this feeling to people…and it makes me feel empty. So lately I have run from it….in my normal fashion I throw myself into working too much or I just retreat into my depression mode. It’s been a combination of both of those.
An interesting statement was made to me about all this….that maybe I needed to start working on forgiving my body. It’s a good point actually and reminds me of the need for self-love. I’ve done a lot of reading lately on self-love and the need to show yourself this at any point you are in. Whatever negative you may see in yourself is something to love. It is a part of you and doesn’t make you any less of a person. I’ll admit that the surgery kind of threw me off as a woman. The surgery itself just kind of makes you feel ugly and then afterwards you deal with the feeling of not being “whole”.
Here’s a question I am going to put out there though….why do we weigh so heavily on the worth of a woman if she does or doesn’t have kids? Think about it…..

:coming back:

I decided that in 2017  I need to start writing again. I want to do it for myself mainly but I’m ok with sharing it with the world. You can see I haven’t written here since 2014 so there’s been many changes in my life. Mostly positive but also some things that brought some challenges. Hang on tight…here we go.

 

:catch up:

I know…its been awhile again. I seem to go in these spurts with blogging. I think because sometimes I am afraid of what I would write. The past few months have brought some truly highs and lows and at times it has even been hard to put into words for myself to understand. I feel like I am starting to come out of the haze though and really want to talk about what is going on with me.

Most of you know from my last post back in February that my Dad died rather unexpectedly. For me it was unexpected closure that I wasn’t ready for. I am still working through it to be perfectly honest. There are days of grief and days of peace. With his passing also meant an inheritance of the house and unexpected feelings that would go along with that. I’ll talk more about that later.

You might also be surprised to hear that last November I quit my job that I had for a total of about 12 years. It too was something unexpected, some may say rash but in my mind has been one of the best decisions I have made for myself. Oh sure, there are still doubts sometimes but those are quickly silenced by the fact that I have peace and lower levels of stress. I was able to go back to a job I love and a company that truly takes care of their employees. I have even made the decision to go back to school and that feels great.

So to say that I have gone through some major changes might be an understatement. Maybe you can understand why my mind has been all over the place lately 🙂 I promise to be more present in the blogging land again.

:dad:

as I sit here getting ready to type this out I am listening to The Rolling Stones, “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” which was one of his favorite songs and will be played during the service. As I listen to the words I am linked to him again because I realize that I may have not always gotten what I needed from him but there are some things that I got that I needed.

who knew that 5 days ago I would receive a phone call that would rock my world for a bit and turn it upside down. Telling me that my father had passed….I will spare the details as they are sad and lonely and I wouldn’t really wish them on anyone. The phone call itself lasted less than 30 seconds and tears instantly followed, tears that I hadn’t had for him in many years….but he is my Dad and somehow I always held a sliver of hope for us. What I realized in those moments following was that the closure I thought I had was gone and the wound was ripped open again but in a very different way. The hours that passed felt like a blur of police officers, concerned neighbors, coroners, phone calls to loved ones far away. It didn’t seem real and yet it was happening right before my eyes.

having to explain myself to the officer that I didn’t know much about his current health both physical and mental was frustrating. He didn’t know the whole story and probably didn’t care but I somehow needed him to understand why I hadn’t been there for all these years. See to know the dynamic between us we would need several hours together. You can’t always get what you want but you try sometimes.

the days following would include planning for a service of a man who didn’t like to be in the limelight…how do you do that when that is basically is what a funeral is all about? So hard when there are no recent pictures and no final wishes but we muddled through and have put together what I think will be a nice remembrance. Today included sitting down with the lawyer and talking about his estate. Such an adult word “estate” and one that I didn’t think I would be worried about or in charge of for a very long time but here I am. To make matters even more interesting I seem to have inherited a house to which in some respect holds bad memories and in another I have no attachment at all….but a wonderful opportunity has been laid before me to own property in a town I love. You don’t always get what you want….but you get what you need.

Getting back to that want & need….I realized in that song that we don’t always get what we want but somehow we get what we need instead. I learned a lot from my Dad…through the good and bad. He taught me to stand up for myself, even if it was against him, to always be learning, my love of avocados and the art of steaming broccoli. That things can be done more than one way…oh maybe I taught him that one 😉

so tomorrow as I say goodbye and work through some more of the feelings I will remember those things, the happy times and even the challenging ones that made me a stronger person. I will also remember that life if short and in the blink of an eye that phone call can come about anyone so make things count.

Rest In Peace Dad, I hope that you are racing the car of your dreams wherever you are.